Jetsetters: Day Trip to Lovely Wickenburg (Sarcasm!)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Day Trip to Lovely Wickenburg (Sarcasm!)

About four weeks ago, Sara and I went to Wickenburg, Ariz., with my family for a little day trip to the Vulture Mine, which is this old mine that was abandoned and turned into a tourist attraction. Well, not long after that Sara got pummeled with order after order from EssBee's Bakery, her new bakery endeavor. Needless to say, she's been swamped and has been unable to post of our wonderful trip to Wickenburg. I pestered her and everything, but it was either type or bake ... and she chose wisely.

So now here I am many weeks for a brief photo essay about Wickenburg. Enjoy!

(By the way, all photos are clickable!)

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In one of the old mine shacks was a large kitchen. I told Sara to imagine baking in one of these ovens. Her face is her response: "No, thank you."

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I told Sara to steal that muffin tin and use it for her customers. The little kleptomaniac STOLE it! (Just kidding.) And that guy with the goofy shadow ... that's me.

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I'm kinda bummed, Sara and I didn't have a single photo taken of us together. Instead you get me in my Hero Pose apparently and Sara trying to loosen this old drill press with her bulging muscles.

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We found these old cars behind one of the buildings. Sara took a photo of me climbing through the windshield of one of them; I'll spare you that shot.

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"Penetrating Oil: A Spring Lubricant"?!?! What were these miners doing at the mine? Well, apparently they weren't taking spelling lessons as you can tell from the "gold paning" sign.

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People were actually hung from this tree that Sara is standing under. I told her not to look so happy for the photo, after all we were under a hanging tree.

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This is my beautiful niece Bristol. She's six months old and ADORABLE! (And I use that word only sparingly so you know I mean it.) We had to tell her alcohol was bad, the little boozehound. Later, I held her until she fell asleep, which was the best.

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There was this one big shed that had a massive diesel engine in it, like the size of a school bus big. Visitors could touch and climb on anything they wanted so Sara and went up top to check the oil and refill the windshield washer fluid. Down below we saw my brother Jason and my dad.

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Locked up!

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Right after Sara pulled this lever a prisoner somewhere was killed.

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Stuff We've Learned

There is a limit on how much old mine stuff you can see in one day. It's 543 pieces.
Denny's is a sure thing ... most places.
The Rolling Stones make great road music.
If you know someone who doesn't know the Rolling Stones then it is your responsibility to correct that.
No vultures at Vulture Mine.
Wickebburg, Ariz., is known for one thing: That Place You Pass On Your Way to Vegas.
There is no greater joy than holding a baby until she falls asleep in your arms.
Sign you're in a crappy city: The Jack in the Box requires you to leave colateral before they let you use the bathroom.
Those 5-Hour Energy drinks work. Just remember to chase them with something. Gag!
The main guide at the Queen Mine seemed slightly jealous of the formerly trapped Chilean miners. Strange.
The Queen Mine comes with its own outfit: yellow slicker, flashlight belt and hardhat.
Bisbee, Ariz., has hippies, gays and retired miners. Surely, though, there has to be a gay miner with some pot in that little town.
Wait a second! A big gay community in Bisbee ... it gives new meaning to the Queen Mine.
There's a statute of limitations for joke-posing at headstones in a cemetary. It's 85 years. If that grave was dug before 1925, then ham it up.
Ice in a urinal ... that's about as cowboy as Tombstone can get.
Lunch at Big Nose Kate's comes with a free case of syphilis!
The man who played Doc Holiday during the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral show took it way too seriously. He was quoting Shakespeare for heaven's sakes.
Speaking of the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, the people who run the actual site of the gunfight don't think too highly of Wyatt Earp. He was practically a villain.
Old West prostitute = "soiled dove." Great term!
I bet people in Tombstone, Ariz., vote Republican.
A warm, humid cave will only make sleepy people more sleepy.
Kartchner Caverns has guano. This amazes some people too much. I think they just like saying guano. (It's bat shit, people!)
Lint from my jacket can destroy the cave?!?! Caves have to be tougher than that to survive 80,000 years.
No one likes a know-it-all, especially 200 feet underground in an enclosed space.
Tucson ... not so nice. What did Paul McCartney ever see in it?
Tucson's Reid Park Zoo is small and quaint, but worth every cent of the $7 admission fee.
You can count on children to point out all the poop at the zoo. It's the first thing they see.
It's polite for zoos to post signs on empty enclosures otherwise zoo visitors spend half the day looking for an animal that's not there.
The world would grind to a halt if at least one employee were not toothless at the state fair.
Funnel cake can be made with a ladel, but it is not called Ladel Cake.
DPS officers should really ditch the hats. They look like Civil War cavalry, or security at Porky's.
The Arizona State Fair ... Like Disneyland, but with 68 percent more murder.
Just because everything can be deep-fried does not mean everything should be deep-fried.
Going to the fair? Body armor not needed.
Omar Little is a philosopher of our times.
Want to experience some culture, go the the Fiesta de Amistad parade and carnival in Tolleson, Ariz.
Jack likes parades. Although they probably confuse him.
Number of Ray's Pizzerias we saw in NYC: 1
New Yorkers don't appreciate tipping as much as Arizonans. I think that means Arizonans are probably bad tippers.
The drunk Native American from North Dakota on the steps of the Port Authority Bus Terminal really does have good intentions.
Photography at a Broadway show is strictly prohibited. Even before the show starts.
And speaking of Broadway, look for the stage door after the show to meet the cast.
Nothing felt as practical as buying a Yankee cap in NYC.
Heroin is a hell of a drug. Even worse on the subway.
In reference to above: We saw a man pass out with his face plastered to the floor of the A Train into Manhattan. Bubbles would have called it the Dope Fiend Lean.
Want to make a free phone call in NYC? Go to the Apple Store; all the display phones have phone service.
We can afford very little at Saks 5th Avenue.
We can afford even less at Tiffany's.
And yes, Saks is actually on 5th Avenue.
"Polska" can be printed on anything.
Never tell a Pollack joke during the Polish day Parade.
"Fantastic!"
Farting on airplanes is totally appropriate.
Michael will not start a fish restaurant in Boston called One if By Land, Two if By Seafood.
Time it took for us to hear a Bostonian say "wicked": 12 hours.
Any state with sailboats is a good state.
The town of Plymouth is smart enough to acknowledge — with a plaque, mind you — that Native Americans have a valid reason for not celebrating Thanksgiving.
Even the most boring structure in Massachusetts is still better than the most interesting structure in Arizona.
Fenway is the oldest stadium in baseball. And it looks it.
Don't mess with Boston and their sports.
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."
New England Clam Chowder tastes five million times better actually in New England.
Ditto for Boston Cream Pie in Boston.
Boston and NYC: similar except for the accents.
The quality of airplane seats is inversely proportionate to the duration of the flight.
Jet lag can be terminal.
Speaking of terminal, the jetBlue terminal at JFK (Terminal 5) is really nice.
Busch Gardens is not owned by Anheuser-Busch. Thankfully, though, they aren't going to change the name to Blackstone Group Park.
Going to the zoo with little kids > Going to the zoo without little kids.
There is always room for dessert. Always.
Trains! Trains! Trains!
Sarasota's bakeries are better than New York City's. Fact.
Sfogliatelle isn't nearly as tasty as Tony Soprano made it out to be.
Things Arizonans take for granted while in Florida: "At least it's a dry heat."
Peeing in the airplane toilet during turbulence should be made into a Wii game.
jetBlue's founder sits in coach with the rest of the cattle.
New Yorkers aren't rude. They're just plucky and frequently aggravated.
The only play we can recommend: "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind" by the Neo-Futurists. Excellent!
Celebrity sighting No. 1: Gwen Stefani in SoHo.
What a great name ... SoHo.
Ground Zero was a circus long before the Muslims of Park51 decided to move in. Street vendors, 9/11 protesters, kooky religious nutballs, hucksters, frauds and phonies. It's no different than any other corner in New York City.
Pooping in Starbucks is totally appropriate. And if they only have one bathroom, well, that's their fault.
I can totally understand why real New Yorkers have no logical reason whatsoever to ever enter Times Square.
The Bambu Garden at the MET was worth every penny of that suggested $20.
Radiohead got their pay-what-you-like idea from the MET: They encourage you to pay, but don't require it. (We paid.)
Taxis are for wimps. (Although at times we REALLY wanted a taxi.)
Nathan's hot dogs are so delicious that if I could eat 64 in 8 minutes I would.
Four days in New York City and the freakiest person we saw was actually three days before the trip ... in Avondale, Ariz.
Coney Island is sad and lonely off season.
New York bakeries can never be too far apart from each other. Never.
Grimaldi's Pizza in Brooklyn has nothing to do with the Grimaldi's Pizza in Arizona. Just like Mars has nothing to do with Saturn.
Head-smackingly obvious: Dumbo stands for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.
We could live in Brooklyn Heights. Streets are beautiful, people are friendly and so close to Manhattan.
Famous residents of Brooklyn Heights: Walt Witman, Henry Ward Beecher, Truman Capote, Bob Dylan, Jennifer Connelly, Paul Giamatti, Norman Mailer, Mary Tyler Moore, John Roebling (designer of the Brooklyn Bridge) and the Cosby Family.
The A Train is our friend, except when it doesn't run uptown and then it's a lying, arrogant jerkface.
Even New Yorkers use the subway maps sometimes. This makes tourists feel good.
We pack too much. But the day we don't is the day we regret it.
New York Magazine has lots of info on stuff to do in New York. Who woulda thought?!?!
jetBlue's customer service is really friendly.
jetBlue's Web site not so friendly.